Dreary weather....dreary mood

WHERE is the sun? My outlook seems to be brighter when the sun is shining! I'm feeling really melancholy these last few days! Memories of Christmas past, hanging out after the gifts were opened, listening to the kids fight over new toys, snuggling on the couch while watching a movie...I miss the togetherness.





This was MKM's year to have the boys for Christmas but he did invite me to come over and watch the boys open their gifts from Santa. So I drag my butt out of bed at 5 a.m. and drive over there to stuff the stockings and put my gifts under the tree [Santa and Snowman mugs with hot chocolate and marshmallows to keep at Dad's house!] and the picture collages I put together for the boys of pictures of them with their dad. [I was rather disappointed when I got there and saw that his sister had the same idea but he loved the ones from the boys too]





They had stayed up late the night before and didn't want to wake up - I thought it was really sweet when he was trying to wake them by telling them hey - look who's here - mama's here. Makes my heart feel fuzzy to now that my boys are always excited to see me! And that he knows it makes them happy too.





After the gifts were opened I made waffles for the boys - I had brought the stuff with me as I didn't figure the donut shop would be open on xmas morning. Kids ate and played with games, toys, shot new bb guns, I cleaned up dishes and MKM rested on couch - I so wanted to join him!





This is where I have the most trouble! Remembering that he has someone new to snuggle with now. We have intimacy 'when the occasion presents' and its great - always was - but I'm trying to convince my self that its really over and he doesn't love me so he may be safe physically but its killing me emotionally! At first it was like yeah - he still wants me! But to him its just the act - for me it still has feelings. And I'm not liking being the other woman... I've got to move on...





I catch myself missing him and wondering what he's doing and have to stop myself from calling him. I so don't know how to do this......how do I stop loving him after [almost] 19 years?????





I thought we would be together forever - my heart believes we will be together again someday....





GOT.TO.MOVE.ON.