Dreary weather....dreary mood

WHERE is the sun? My outlook seems to be brighter when the sun is shining! I'm feeling really melancholy these last few days! Memories of Christmas past, hanging out after the gifts were opened, listening to the kids fight over new toys, snuggling on the couch while watching a movie...I miss the togetherness.





This was MKM's year to have the boys for Christmas but he did invite me to come over and watch the boys open their gifts from Santa. So I drag my butt out of bed at 5 a.m. and drive over there to stuff the stockings and put my gifts under the tree [Santa and Snowman mugs with hot chocolate and marshmallows to keep at Dad's house!] and the picture collages I put together for the boys of pictures of them with their dad. [I was rather disappointed when I got there and saw that his sister had the same idea but he loved the ones from the boys too]





They had stayed up late the night before and didn't want to wake up - I thought it was really sweet when he was trying to wake them by telling them hey - look who's here - mama's here. Makes my heart feel fuzzy to now that my boys are always excited to see me! And that he knows it makes them happy too.





After the gifts were opened I made waffles for the boys - I had brought the stuff with me as I didn't figure the donut shop would be open on xmas morning. Kids ate and played with games, toys, shot new bb guns, I cleaned up dishes and MKM rested on couch - I so wanted to join him!





This is where I have the most trouble! Remembering that he has someone new to snuggle with now. We have intimacy 'when the occasion presents' and its great - always was - but I'm trying to convince my self that its really over and he doesn't love me so he may be safe physically but its killing me emotionally! At first it was like yeah - he still wants me! But to him its just the act - for me it still has feelings. And I'm not liking being the other woman... I've got to move on...





I catch myself missing him and wondering what he's doing and have to stop myself from calling him. I so don't know how to do this......how do I stop loving him after [almost] 19 years?????





I thought we would be together forever - my heart believes we will be together again someday....





GOT.TO.MOVE.ON.

Moving On.....I hope

After much reading, research and soul searching its time to move on. A lot of what I've read says that journaling will help - not only to express my feelings and emotions but to be able to look back at where I started in this process and see just how far I've come. I long for that day!

I'm not sure where I am in the grief process [grief after divorce they call it] according to the steps - but I know I'm tired of being depressed and unhappy and I want to get my life back and enjoy all the things I still have - my life, my job, my new boss beginning January 1st, AND especially my beautiful boys!

I've been - am - so deep down in this dark hole - I've alienated my family - my friends - everyone who cares about me and I'm not sure how to repair these relationships but I have to - to heal my self I have to get over the hurt - forgive - and accept the help and support they can give me! HOW DO I START??

I'm still in love with my ex-husband. That took a lot to admit! I know I'll always love him - we shared 18 years - 13 of those married - and most of them happy. He has moved on - says he has - has a new woman in his life - wherever that may go its going without ME so I MUST move on too.

We've been apart for 19 months - for the first year or so I think I was numb - didn't want to feel the pain, rejection - admit that it really was over - even when the divorce was final I was still in denial. Now all these months later we are communicating and I know he will always love me - as his first wife - mother of his children - but he doesn't love me like I still love him. The maybe someday is out there but I don't want to spend my life waiting for what might happen some day - when certain family members are gone - too long a story for a first post.....point is I WANT TO MOVE ON......

I want out of this pit that I'm in, I want to find my self again, I want to be happy with myself, I want my self-esteem back! I want to like ME!

I hope writing this journal will help me find my way - my new life without him in it - minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day..........